“Will you marry me?” OR “Will your daughter marry my son?”

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This is not a post for winning the Indiblogger contest. This post is a desperate attempt on my part to come out of the “writer’s block” that I have been facing recently. This topic by Indiblogger just got my thoughts running and got my fingers typing. But since the good people at Sony entertainment are giving out free hampers for every valid entry, the Indian or should I say the “Malayali” in me got greedy.

Love Marriage or Arranged Marriage?

As far as I’m concerned, one should only marry another person if they love each other. I’m a bit iffy on the whole concept of love (how there is no love between two people, just caring and compatibility), but that’s a whole different story.

Now, coming to the “love” marriage part. If two people believe they are “in-love”, and can bear each other for the rest of their lives, then I believe they should marry each other. And like Aamir Khan, so powerfully suggested in Satyameva Jayate, any person after they reach the adulthood age (so prescribed by the government), can marry anyone they like. And I believe in it. If you are happy in a relationship, then no matter what the society thinks or (I’ll go a bit bolder and say) no matter what your parents say, it’s your life! You are absolutely free to do anything. And I personally don’t think any parent can be unforgiving, if at all they think you are committing a mistake.

But on the other hand, I also believe in taking things slowly. You do not get married after 6 months or even a year after “knowing” each other. You have to be absolutely together. I think live-in relationships are the measuring sticks. It also checks out my compatibility theory. Only after you live with another person for a period of time will you actually know the person. His/her habits, likes, dislikes, behaviour, addictions, whether you like them in their mornings, whether you like their coffee, how lazy are they exactly, everything. It’s like beta testing your marriage. If your relationship can handle this, then you can actually be confident about your marriage*.

*T&C apply: The entire system may or may not crumble with additions to the family. (For the scarcely brained, I mean babies)

Arranged marriages are for people who are either too busy with their lives doing work, raking in money or for people who cannot find someone compatible enough. A third possibility for going for arranged marriage is what they call “respect for their parents”. They say parents know what’s best for us and they will decide whom I should spend the rest of my life with. If this is the reason people give for getting married with approximate strangers, then they are, in my opinion, losers. Not because they respect their parents’ decision. But because they are either too spineless to make their own decisions or they are too afraid to actually go out and find someone compatible.

The major problem with this is, later on, when you find out that you are not compatible for each other, you have no one to blame! Because, obviously, you love your parents too much. If you marry the one you “love”, the least you could do is acknowledge the fact that you made a mistake and move on.

Now that was the negative side of it. The one bit of silver lining I see is, if the one your parents pitched you with is truly compatible, then your relationship is going to be one of the best relationships (Unless of course some shady gf/bf from the past comes back to haunt you). There was this Tamil movie called “Silinoru Kadhal”, where the daughter of a happy-arranged-marriage couple explains to an unhappy-fighting-love-marriage couple’s son why her parents are so happy. She says,

“Your parents loved and got married, right? My parents married and then started loving each other.”

Anyways, if you ask me how I’d like to get married, I’d say I’d rather be with someone I’m sure I like, than get married and then decide whether to like her or not.

P.S I totally forgot to mention this before, but better late than never. I was interviewed by Desire v/s Destiny and here’s the link. This was a long time back, and I did a couple of posts too much, but I forgot to mention this here, so here goes.

P.P.S A bit of an afterthought – Love marriages can also be converted into Arranged marriages, but that’s another story, too.

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15 thoughts on ““Will you marry me?” OR “Will your daughter marry my son?”

  1. Am so glad the ‘greedy malayali’ in you brought this post out. While I agree with most of what you’ve written, calling someone ‘spineless’ because they were concerned about making their parents happy is a bit lame, don’t you think?? Having said that, the rest of your post comepletely justifies why live-in relationships are probably the way forward in most urban societies of the future ….

    http://lafemmenirvana.blogspot.in/2012/08/love-and-marriage-chicken-and-egg.html

    Like

    1. Umm…thanks a lot for liking it! 😉
      And I’m not against keeping parents happy! In fact, I believe in it. But, when it comes to matters of your own life, and an important one at that, I believe you should be the one who should be happy. Which in-turn should make your parents happy, don’t you think? And what I meant by being spineless, is that not standing up for your own decisions, once you are capable of doing so is pretty bad, according to me at least.

      Any ways, thanks once again for bearing through my ramble 😉
      Keep visiting 😀

      Like

  2. dude.. were you stalking my life or something? OMG!
    and something I disagree bout in wat u wrote..
    “The major problem with this is, later on, when you find out that you are not compatible for each other, you have no one to blame! Because, obviously, you love your parents too much. If you marry the one you “love”, the least you could do is acknowledge the fact that you made a mistake and move on.”

    i disagree.. most ppl i know go for an arrange marriage cos if things screw up, they’ll have someone to blame… their parents.. everyone likes somebody to blame for the troubles in their life…

    Like

    1. hehehe… if I started stalking people’s life, wouldn’t you be out of a job? 😉

      Your point is true if you are doing it for that reason. But if you are doing it just to keep your parents happy, then? I’m pretty sure no parent would be happy if their child blames them. So, it kind of defeats the entire purpose of “marrying to keep your parents happy” bit, doesn’t it? 😉

      Like

  3. I believe in taking things slow too. I wouldnt get married to someone I have known just for an year. And if I do, I would definitely hire a private investigator 😛

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  4. So it is! nicely served thoughts! 🙂 I too had thought of entering this contest, but could not make a decent post of the topic 😦
    bdw, sorry for the late reply, ur post got piled under a lot of other mails\

    Like

  5. Hmm.. I totally agree with you. You have to stay with a person before you decide to marry them. And the coffee part is important too. He has to be able to make good coffee, especially when I am sick 😛
    But how long do you live/ be/ bear with someone before you say “He is the one!”
    And what if you live are with someone for a long time, say five years…and you are a moron and have a slow processor for a brain and realise then that you need somebody else?
    Do you start all over again? You might as well decide to avail of the senior citizen discount for getting married then!

    Like

    1. Well well well…look who finally decided to come out of her shell!! 😀 Welcome back dear!! 😀

      And hehehe yea..the coffee just has to be right!! 😀

      You live together for as long as it takes for you to be sure that you can “handle” or bear him/her.
      And five years?? Take it from me, if you’re in a live-in relationship for five years, you might as well get married. 😉 And it doesn’t matter if you are a moron, just be sure that your partner isn’t!! 😉

      Like

  6. i kinda think that if u havent tied the knot, u kinda have this constant underlying fear of losing the other person. as in he or she is free to walk out any second. So u give in a lot, apologize wen ur not sorry, pretend stuff that matters doesnt matter to u. And why does it matter if the other person walks out? cos u don’t know if ur gona find somebody whose as good to u as the person ur with now.. and u know wat being single was like, and u know that sucks.. well sometimes it does.
    Once the fear is gone, u get to lay back alil. show ur true colours. “So wat if i leave the toilet seat up once in a while, its not like she’s gona leave me for it”. Which is why people who has been in love for years, change minutes after they get married, i think. I know there is always the option of divorce, but dude thats just this one long tedious tiresome option,
    and i think the only reason ppl who arent compatible stay together is cos divorce is a pain in the bum..and u have the whole stigma thing too, atleast in some parts.

    i’m not even sure if any of this makes sense. i’m high on cold medicine. B-)

    Like

    1. Well the fear of losing the other person is only a problem when you are insecure about the relationship. Believe me, don’t you think the other person may have the same “fear” that you have? And this is the same reason that live-in works. Because after some time the amount of “adjustments” you make for the other person comes to such an extent, that you can’t take it anymore. You start feeling whether the relationship is worth it. And then you back out. Otherwise, I personally feel, that relationships should not be work. You must be comfortable in a relationship the way you are. Which is why instead of trying to impress the other person, one should remain true throughout.

      I know its easier said than done, but still, I’d rather be in a relationship in which neither of us have to adjust much, and are comfortable with each other the way we are. I’m not saying one has to be adamant about it. You can compromise, but to a certain extent only.

      And as far as divorce is concerned, I feel that it is the same as arranged marriages. If you are not happy and you are certainly sure that this is not going to work, then why continue? No matter what anybody says, at the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness.

      And then there’s the option of separation, if it all, it makes a difference.

      And sure it makes sense! I wish you were always high! But not on cold medicine though! 😉 😛

      Like

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